Toxic Love
Y’all, I think I’m a little toxic!
Whewwwwwww! I’m glad I got that off of my chest! Now we can get down with the get down.
If you’ve read “You Got Me Going in Circles”, you already know where this is going. It all started with a tweet. James slid into my DMs with that sweet talk, and I ate up every word. Having a tall, dark skinned, career havin’, alpha male oozing of masculinity to enter the chat was not the plan for that night, but who am I to turn down the opportunity?
After that night we were pretty much inseparable. Phone conversations that lasted for hours. Date nights left and right. I mean he was the ultimate gentleman. He had my nose wide open. I was looking for him in the daytime with a flashlight. And then one day, the batteries died. He hit me with the “So I’m seeing this girl, and I’m about to ask her to be my girlfriend”.
FLAG ON THE PLAY.
N**** what?! So all of this time, we were working towards NOTHING?! I mean this man really played me! After a few not so nice words were exchanged, I let him be. Or so I thought, until a few months later when I got the infamous “Hey big head” text.
And the cycle begins.
I figured if I can’t beat him, I might as well join him. So that’s how our game went. He would get with someone, that would end, and he found his way back to me. And then the tables would turn. I would entertain someone else, break it off, and find myself back in his life, his car, and ultimately his bed. If you looked in the dictionary next to toxic, that’s where you would find us. But I can’t lie, the toxicity tasted like sweet victory (or in my case, the more toxic the berry, the sweeter the juice). Apparently, I haven’t gotten tired of drinking the juice yet; if I look back at my dating history, I can pretty much substitute James’ name in this story. Literally different man, but the same game.
They always say that you attract what you are and a few weeks ago it finally hit me that I can be a toxic individual when it comes to relationships, which is probably why I’m always ending up in these God awful relationships. As much as I want to be loved and give love, most times I stand in my own way when it comes to this ongoing cycle. . I had to really sit down and come to terms with the fact that I do in fact contribute to the detriment of my intimate relationships. I mean, what’s a little serial dating, fear of abandonment, unrealistic expectations, and red flag ignoring? While I’m not proud of my destructive habits, I am working on identifying and practicing healthier ways to deal with new love interests. Lord knows it is a struggle most days and old habits definitely die hard; however, I am committed to seeing it through. Let the healthy relationships begin!
Do you find yourself in toxic situations? This is a safe space sis. Share your story in the comments below!