My Milkshake Brings All the Boys
Friends, our good sis once reminded us that a good milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and she ain’t never lied. While ALL the boys may come running, most of them make me want to run right back inside the house, especially in these online dating streets. I’ve gone down Hinge Highway, Bumble Boulevard, and Tinder Trail and have discovered that they are different roads that lead to the same men. Jail birds, Cheaters, Polyamorous triad or threesome seekers and One Night Standers. It’s a lot and in my opinion, it is truly the ghetto. GHETTO! I have to let my friends in on that one time one of these men actually got the chance to take a sip of the milkshake in my yard. Let’s get into it!
So boom! One day I’m lying on the couch bored out of my mind, when I get a notification telling me that I made a match. I thought to myself, this is the moment I’m going to “meet” the man of my little online dreams. And a dream it was. I meannnnn, homie was bald just like I like em; fine just like I like em and dark chocolate just like I like em. Did I mention fine? (Focus Tia). He led the convo and immediately I was intrigued. When he asked me to hang out I jumped at the opportunity. This man must’ve known that I would be nervous meeting him, so he suggested the most magical place on earth in my opinion: TARGET (he clearly understood the assignment). And what a magical time it was. Then all of a sudden, the rabbit was pulled out of the hat.
Per usual, one little three letter word pushed pause on everything. Alexa play “ let’s talk about sex, baby”. One day I casually mentioned my vow of celibacy and you would’ve thought the trumpet was about to blow and we were all going up in the rapture at that very moment honey. Mr. Chocolate just couldn’t fathom how someone could not engage in the horizontal tango for a few months, less more years. Now at first I didn’t mind answering his questions and trying to pacify his crushed intentions and ego, but at this point buddy wanted to talk about it all day everyday. I mean I get that hearing that is rare, but now I feel like you’re not just curious anymore. After telling me no man was ever going to want me without sex, we mutually decided that this isn’t the ideal situation for either us and exited stage left. Well that is until his little bald headed self caught me off guard and popped back up saying he wants that old thing back. Child bye. Then it hit me, don’t get mad, get even. I thought to myself clearly if he can talk about it, he can definitely be about it.
I’ve never been so wrong in my life…
Stay tuned for part 2!